Thinking in Haiku
Keeps my random thoughts ordered
Brings in some beauty
Just five syllables
And then you get seven more
And end it with five
Secret, sacred place
Lift up your prayers and concerns
Take in your God's love
Thursday, April 9, 2009
25 Questions - Sliced and Diced
The 25 questions in my previous post appear in the order that they came to me. I then copied this list and sorted them by what I saw as the four main topics. The questions that I have prioritized under My Goals and The Land would be my 10 most important questions.
My Goals:
Will I find a successful alternative to working behind a desk every day?
Do I have what it takes to be a published writer?
How will I reprioritize my life so that I have more time to spend doing a few things deeply instead of doing too many things shallowly?
Will I give up everything and move to
The Land:
How will our wetlands fare through 2009?
What will be the next invasive plant I have to deal with?
Have I eliminated the Dame's Rocket and Garlic Mustard from the front woods?
Will I ever take the plunge and raise my own chickens and/or goats?
Will the local food movement change the way we grow our food and eat, or is it just a passing fad?
Will my husband and I be able to preserve what we have done on our land forever?
The Future:
Will President Obama be successful in changing this country for the better?
Will my employer have enough money to last until the end of April?
Will I lose my job as a result of the economic downturn?
Will the weather this spring be favorable for garden center businesses?
Will my son and his fiancé have a long and happy marriage?
Will my daughter find someone to share her life with?
Will my children be happy and satisfied as adults?
How long will my older lab live, and will I have to deal with her death on my own?
How long will I be able to garden as I do now?
Introspection:
Will my husband's faith be in tune with mine?
What would my mother think of my children all grown up?
Will people in
Trivial Stuff:
Will my favorite public radio station get their antenna replaced soon so that their signal improves?
Will I maintain my #1 position in the NCAA pool?
Will the Cubs ever win the World Series?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
A Reflection
He would have been 56 on Monday, but he chose to end his life in February. He was my very first boyfriend, and while the relationship had been over for many years, I was sorry to learn that his life ended so badly.
When I was a teen, most people would have described me as shy. I was quite happy to have one or two close friends and didn't feel a need to be part of a large group. But in the summer of 1972, my closest friend left town for two weeks to visit her sister and I decided it was time to expand my world a little bit.
After seeing my friend off at the airport, I got on my bike, headed over to Marquette Park and started riding around the main road. I was pleased that within a few minutes a "cute guy" in a Camaro smiled and waved to me. On my second lap, he waved again. By the third lap, he had parked his car and was sitting on the hood waiting for me. I stopped and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. It was the beginning of a 14 month relationship.
That Christmas, he gave me a small ring. Some called it a promise ring, others called it a pre-engagement ring. When he gave it to me, he explained that he had not had the money to buy a class ring in high school, so he couldn't give me his ring to show that we were going steady. That was fine with me at first, but when I went back to school and everyone asked when I was getting married, I wondered if I had been right to accept the ring.
The turning point for me came in April. Led Zeppelin was playing at the Chicago Stadium; we had not been able to get tickets but he decided we would try to buy a pair from the scalpers outside. He bought two tickets that were not together and figured we would meet somewhere inside. Unfortunately, one ticket was on the main level and the other was in the balcony. At the old Stadium, there was no way to get from the main floor to the balcony without exiting the building and re-entering another gate. And of course, your ticket would not be accepted at the other level's gate.
So I ended up spending the entire concert with total strangers. And had a wonderful time! When I re-joined my boyfriend after the concert, I realized that the relationship was not what I wanted for the rest of my life.
I waited until shortly before I left for college to officially break up with him. I can criticize myself on many levels here. Yes, I took advantage of his company all summer. Yes, I took the easy way out and waited until I was leaving town and thought I would not have to see him again. We were working in the same place that summer (to be fair, my mother had helped both of us get the jobs) and I didn't want my job to be uncomfortable. It's been a long time now, and I hope that I would handle it differently today but I wouldn't bet good money on it.
So we had the big, dramatic break up scene and it did not go well. I packed my stuff and moved into a dorm in Urbana. My 18th birthday was at the endof the first week, and there were plenty of new friends on my dorm floor who were willing to help me celebrate. We were getting ready to leave the dorm when there was a knock on my door. He had driven down from Chicago, unannounced, and wanted to take me out for my birthday. I was quite upset that he had shown up, and quite firm in insisting that I was not changing my plans.
At the end of the night, he showed up in the dorm again. I "borrowed" my roommate's friend, who stood six foot four inches tall, and had him act intimidating and a little possessive to get the ex-boyfriend to disappear. He left that evening, but a stream of letters followed all through the year. Back at home, my parents reported that he often drove past the house and sometimes stopped to ask how I was doing. The term really wasn't used back then, but his actions bordered on stalking. Finally, well over a year after we broke up I stopped hearing from him.
When the internet and search engines surged in popularity, I started to think about this ghost from my past. I often wondered if he would ever dare to try and contact me again. I suppose I did a little "reverse stalking" in that I would Google his name about once a year to see if he had any presence on the internet. I always took a little comfort in never finding him.
Then about a week ago, I decided to try again. This time, I was surprised to find several hits for his name. Surprise turned to shock when I realized that the hits were the result of his death. He apparently jumped off a bridge over the Chicago River, and although he missed the river he did die as a result of the fall. I will admit that there was a definite sense of relief to know that he will never turn up unexpectedly at my door. But I never would have wished for this end to the story.
The obituaries only peeled back the thinnest of layers of his life. Although he had planned to become a college professor, his occupation was listed as truck driver. One obituary made no mention of a spouse but another named one. She is a psychotherapist and a published poet, and she signed a guest book as "your wife of thirty years who was relegated to oblivion". I feel that there is either a very interesting or a very sad story behind that comment.
So many thoughts have gone through my head. I'm very glad that my life has followed the path that it has. I don't regret the decisions I made so long ago,but I hope that those decisions did not lead to an unhappy path for him. And then I wonder if it is egotisical to even speculate in that direction. I don't want to sound opportunistic, but I can see the beginnings of a fictional story speculating on the relationship between him and his spouse. Overriding all of this, though, is that sense of relief that it has finally, truly ended.
When I was a teen, most people would have described me as shy. I was quite happy to have one or two close friends and didn't feel a need to be part of a large group. But in the summer of 1972, my closest friend left town for two weeks to visit her sister and I decided it was time to expand my world a little bit.
After seeing my friend off at the airport, I got on my bike, headed over to Marquette Park and started riding around the main road. I was pleased that within a few minutes a "cute guy" in a Camaro smiled and waved to me. On my second lap, he waved again. By the third lap, he had parked his car and was sitting on the hood waiting for me. I stopped and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. It was the beginning of a 14 month relationship.
That Christmas, he gave me a small ring. Some called it a promise ring, others called it a pre-engagement ring. When he gave it to me, he explained that he had not had the money to buy a class ring in high school, so he couldn't give me his ring to show that we were going steady. That was fine with me at first, but when I went back to school and everyone asked when I was getting married, I wondered if I had been right to accept the ring.
The turning point for me came in April. Led Zeppelin was playing at the Chicago Stadium; we had not been able to get tickets but he decided we would try to buy a pair from the scalpers outside. He bought two tickets that were not together and figured we would meet somewhere inside. Unfortunately, one ticket was on the main level and the other was in the balcony. At the old Stadium, there was no way to get from the main floor to the balcony without exiting the building and re-entering another gate. And of course, your ticket would not be accepted at the other level's gate.
So I ended up spending the entire concert with total strangers. And had a wonderful time! When I re-joined my boyfriend after the concert, I realized that the relationship was not what I wanted for the rest of my life.
I waited until shortly before I left for college to officially break up with him. I can criticize myself on many levels here. Yes, I took advantage of his company all summer. Yes, I took the easy way out and waited until I was leaving town and thought I would not have to see him again. We were working in the same place that summer (to be fair, my mother had helped both of us get the jobs) and I didn't want my job to be uncomfortable. It's been a long time now, and I hope that I would handle it differently today but I wouldn't bet good money on it.
So we had the big, dramatic break up scene and it did not go well. I packed my stuff and moved into a dorm in Urbana. My 18th birthday was at the endof the first week, and there were plenty of new friends on my dorm floor who were willing to help me celebrate. We were getting ready to leave the dorm when there was a knock on my door. He had driven down from Chicago, unannounced, and wanted to take me out for my birthday. I was quite upset that he had shown up, and quite firm in insisting that I was not changing my plans.
At the end of the night, he showed up in the dorm again. I "borrowed" my roommate's friend, who stood six foot four inches tall, and had him act intimidating and a little possessive to get the ex-boyfriend to disappear. He left that evening, but a stream of letters followed all through the year. Back at home, my parents reported that he often drove past the house and sometimes stopped to ask how I was doing. The term really wasn't used back then, but his actions bordered on stalking. Finally, well over a year after we broke up I stopped hearing from him.
When the internet and search engines surged in popularity, I started to think about this ghost from my past. I often wondered if he would ever dare to try and contact me again. I suppose I did a little "reverse stalking" in that I would Google his name about once a year to see if he had any presence on the internet. I always took a little comfort in never finding him.
Then about a week ago, I decided to try again. This time, I was surprised to find several hits for his name. Surprise turned to shock when I realized that the hits were the result of his death. He apparently jumped off a bridge over the Chicago River, and although he missed the river he did die as a result of the fall. I will admit that there was a definite sense of relief to know that he will never turn up unexpectedly at my door. But I never would have wished for this end to the story.
The obituaries only peeled back the thinnest of layers of his life. Although he had planned to become a college professor, his occupation was listed as truck driver. One obituary made no mention of a spouse but another named one. She is a psychotherapist and a published poet, and she signed a guest book as "your wife of thirty years who was relegated to oblivion". I feel that there is either a very interesting or a very sad story behind that comment.
So many thoughts have gone through my head. I'm very glad that my life has followed the path that it has. I don't regret the decisions I made so long ago,but I hope that those decisions did not lead to an unhappy path for him. And then I wonder if it is egotisical to even speculate in that direction. I don't want to sound opportunistic, but I can see the beginnings of a fictional story speculating on the relationship between him and his spouse. Overriding all of this, though, is that sense of relief that it has finally, truly ended.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
25 Burning Questions
1. How long will I be able to garden as I do now?
2. Will I give up everything and move to New Mexico?
3. Will I find a successful alternative to working behind a desk every day?
4. Will my children be happy and satisfied as adults?
5. Will I lose my job as a result of the economic downturn?
6. Do I have what it takes to be a published writer?
7. How will our wetlands fare through 2009?
8. What will be the next invasive plant I have to deal with?
9. Have I eliminated the Dame's Rocket and Garlic Mustard from the front woods?
10. Will I ever take the plunge and raise my own chickens and/or goats?
11. Will the local food movement change the way we grow our food and eat, or is it just a passing fad?
12. Will President Obama be succesful in changing this country for the better?
13. Will my husband's faith be in tune with mine?
14. Will my favorite public radio station get their antenna replaced soon so that their signal improves?
15. How will I reprioritize my life so that I have more time to spend doing a few things deeply instead of doing too many things shallowly?
16.Will my son and his fiancé have a long and happy marriage?
17. Will my daughter find someone to share her life with?
18. How long will my older lab live, and will I have to deal with her death on my own?
19. What would my mother think of my children all grwon up?
20. Will people in America ever stop being so deeply divided on so many issues?
21. Will my employer have enough money to last until the end of April?
22.Will I maintain my #1 position in the NCAA pool?
23. Will the Cubs ever win the World Series?
24. Will the weather this spring be favorable for garden center businesses?
25. Will my husband and I be able to preserve what we have done on our land forever?
The 25 questions above appear in the order that they came to me. I then copied this list and sorted them by what I saw as the four main topics. The questions that I have prioritized under My Goals and The Land would be my 10 most important questions.
2. Will I give up everything and move to New Mexico?
3. Will I find a successful alternative to working behind a desk every day?
4. Will my children be happy and satisfied as adults?
5. Will I lose my job as a result of the economic downturn?
6. Do I have what it takes to be a published writer?
7. How will our wetlands fare through 2009?
8. What will be the next invasive plant I have to deal with?
9. Have I eliminated the Dame's Rocket and Garlic Mustard from the front woods?
10. Will I ever take the plunge and raise my own chickens and/or goats?
11. Will the local food movement change the way we grow our food and eat, or is it just a passing fad?
12. Will President Obama be succesful in changing this country for the better?
13. Will my husband's faith be in tune with mine?
14. Will my favorite public radio station get their antenna replaced soon so that their signal improves?
15. How will I reprioritize my life so that I have more time to spend doing a few things deeply instead of doing too many things shallowly?
16.Will my son and his fiancé have a long and happy marriage?
17. Will my daughter find someone to share her life with?
18. How long will my older lab live, and will I have to deal with her death on my own?
19. What would my mother think of my children all grwon up?
20. Will people in America ever stop being so deeply divided on so many issues?
21. Will my employer have enough money to last until the end of April?
22.Will I maintain my #1 position in the NCAA pool?
23. Will the Cubs ever win the World Series?
24. Will the weather this spring be favorable for garden center businesses?
25. Will my husband and I be able to preserve what we have done on our land forever?
The 25 questions above appear in the order that they came to me. I then copied this list and sorted them by what I saw as the four main topics. The questions that I have prioritized under My Goals and The Land would be my 10 most important questions.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Stepping Stones - Appreciating the Natural World
1. My Little Golden Guide wildflower book - I thought a city kid never would see those flowers in real life
2. High school retreat - wandering into the forest preserve area and being awed
3. Allerton Park in college - more natural beauty, and wanting to know what things were
4. Poplar Creek Prairie Stewards - starting to learn and to work with the land
5. Buying Land, hoping there was some potential for restoration
6. Discovering what's really there
7. Appreciating a Land Ethic
8. Going forward
2. High school retreat - wandering into the forest preserve area and being awed
3. Allerton Park in college - more natural beauty, and wanting to know what things were
4. Poplar Creek Prairie Stewards - starting to learn and to work with the land
5. Buying Land, hoping there was some potential for restoration
6. Discovering what's really there
7. Appreciating a Land Ethic
8. Going forward
Letter to the Land
Dear Land,
First of all, I'm not really sure how to address you. I want to call you "my land" but I know that land ownership is such a man-made concept. I prefer the concept of stewardship, but if I am the steward, are you the stewardee? Awkward title at best!
My family has been your caretaker for almost sixteen years now. Before we took charge of you, you had been farmed for corn and soybeans in the recent past, and likely for hay at some time in the more distant past. But not all of your acres had been farmed. The front woods seemed to be undisturbed for a long, long time, and your wetlands never were drained thoroughly. Once we built our house and moved in, the farming came to an end and we began working to restore your natural state.
What I really would like to know is if we are doing the right thing? We hope that we are restoring your health, but it's so hard to know if we are doing the right thing, or if this is just the "current fashion" of the right thing. Will some future generation look back at what we did and shake their heads in disgust? I try in all aspects of my life to do the right thing, but without feedback it's hard to know if I am.
Yours in stewardship,
Marlene
Dear Marlene,
Over the years, the treatment that I've received at the hands of man has varied greatly. For a long time, there were only those that you call Native Americans. They never spent a lot of time with me because my waters are very seasonal. The Native Americans came and went with the waters and left very little impact.
The earliest farmers showed up about 150 years ago. At first it wasn't too bad. The farm was small and not very intensive. Some years, I had so much water that they couldn't farm large areas. Then the idea of drain tiles came around. The land to the south, my sister acres, had lots of drain tiles installed and her waters disappeared almost entirely. But the man who was farming me only put in one drain tile, and not very well at that. I kept hearing him mutter about money, and what he would do if he had his neighbors' money. Perhaps it was best for me that he didn't have a lot of this money?
As time passed, the machines that rode over me got bigger, harsh chemical were poured onto me, and the rows of crops became more dense, sapping more and more out of me. But then one day, it ended. Of course, there was that huge hole gouged into my brow, but the other indignities stopped.
And I began to respond. Can't you see it? Remember that spring before the farming ended, when I pulled your shoe right off your foot? Have you seen muck like that since the plowing stopped? Of course not. I'm rebuilding my structure with the roots of the prairie plants that you sowed. In other places, you've removed plants that I did not care for. As the buckthorn has disappeared from my woodlands, I've been able to resprout the wildflowers that have grown here for years and years.
Overall, the answer to your question is yes, you've been doing the right thing. Of course, you always can try to live a little more lightly upon me. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't dig any more of those big holes in me, and please be careful of what you dump on me or drive over me. But keep removing the brush. I fear it will be a never-ending battle for you but the results are worth the effort.
You mention worrying about future generations. The best thing you could do is promise to protect me forever. Then I could rest easy every winter instead of fearing that the next spring will be the one that brings back the destruction.
Thanks for the concern,
The Land Under Your Care
First of all, I'm not really sure how to address you. I want to call you "my land" but I know that land ownership is such a man-made concept. I prefer the concept of stewardship, but if I am the steward, are you the stewardee? Awkward title at best!
My family has been your caretaker for almost sixteen years now. Before we took charge of you, you had been farmed for corn and soybeans in the recent past, and likely for hay at some time in the more distant past. But not all of your acres had been farmed. The front woods seemed to be undisturbed for a long, long time, and your wetlands never were drained thoroughly. Once we built our house and moved in, the farming came to an end and we began working to restore your natural state.
What I really would like to know is if we are doing the right thing? We hope that we are restoring your health, but it's so hard to know if we are doing the right thing, or if this is just the "current fashion" of the right thing. Will some future generation look back at what we did and shake their heads in disgust? I try in all aspects of my life to do the right thing, but without feedback it's hard to know if I am.
Yours in stewardship,
Marlene
Dear Marlene,
Over the years, the treatment that I've received at the hands of man has varied greatly. For a long time, there were only those that you call Native Americans. They never spent a lot of time with me because my waters are very seasonal. The Native Americans came and went with the waters and left very little impact.
The earliest farmers showed up about 150 years ago. At first it wasn't too bad. The farm was small and not very intensive. Some years, I had so much water that they couldn't farm large areas. Then the idea of drain tiles came around. The land to the south, my sister acres, had lots of drain tiles installed and her waters disappeared almost entirely. But the man who was farming me only put in one drain tile, and not very well at that. I kept hearing him mutter about money, and what he would do if he had his neighbors' money. Perhaps it was best for me that he didn't have a lot of this money?
As time passed, the machines that rode over me got bigger, harsh chemical were poured onto me, and the rows of crops became more dense, sapping more and more out of me. But then one day, it ended. Of course, there was that huge hole gouged into my brow, but the other indignities stopped.
And I began to respond. Can't you see it? Remember that spring before the farming ended, when I pulled your shoe right off your foot? Have you seen muck like that since the plowing stopped? Of course not. I'm rebuilding my structure with the roots of the prairie plants that you sowed. In other places, you've removed plants that I did not care for. As the buckthorn has disappeared from my woodlands, I've been able to resprout the wildflowers that have grown here for years and years.
Overall, the answer to your question is yes, you've been doing the right thing. Of course, you always can try to live a little more lightly upon me. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't dig any more of those big holes in me, and please be careful of what you dump on me or drive over me. But keep removing the brush. I fear it will be a never-ending battle for you but the results are worth the effort.
You mention worrying about future generations. The best thing you could do is promise to protect me forever. Then I could rest easy every winter instead of fearing that the next spring will be the one that brings back the destruction.
Thanks for the concern,
The Land Under Your Care
Monday, March 9, 2009
I Prefer
I prefer the call of the sandhill crane to the wail of an ambulance
I prefer the color blue
I prefer to putter in the garden on a summer's day instead of shoveling snow
I prefer to chat online instead of on the telephone
I prefer singer-songwriters and jangly guitars to rap (but I will listen to hard rock)
I prefer Etsy to Wal-Mart
I prefer things to run smoothly (especially computer things)
I prefer to be with my extended family instead of a crowd of strangers (but I can be very comfortable in a crowd of strangers)
I prefer to have a strong faith in a higher power
I prefer pizza
I prefer dogs, especially labs
I prefer botanic names to common names
I prefer that everyone plays nice and takes responsibility for their actions
I prefer Trader Joe's
I prefer blue states
I prefer peace
I prefer a good red wine
I prefer prairie grass to Kentucky bluegrass
I prefer my agaves in pots
I prefer to have someone else clean the toilets so I can rearrange the garden
I prefer homegrown tomatoes right off the vine
I prefer NPR to TV
I prefer reading to working (but reading doesn't pay the bills)
I prefer to think before I speak
I prefer the color blue
I prefer to putter in the garden on a summer's day instead of shoveling snow
I prefer to chat online instead of on the telephone
I prefer singer-songwriters and jangly guitars to rap (but I will listen to hard rock)
I prefer Etsy to Wal-Mart
I prefer things to run smoothly (especially computer things)
I prefer to be with my extended family instead of a crowd of strangers (but I can be very comfortable in a crowd of strangers)
I prefer to have a strong faith in a higher power
I prefer pizza
I prefer dogs, especially labs
I prefer botanic names to common names
I prefer that everyone plays nice and takes responsibility for their actions
I prefer Trader Joe's
I prefer blue states
I prefer peace
I prefer a good red wine
I prefer prairie grass to Kentucky bluegrass
I prefer my agaves in pots
I prefer to have someone else clean the toilets so I can rearrange the garden
I prefer homegrown tomatoes right off the vine
I prefer NPR to TV
I prefer reading to working (but reading doesn't pay the bills)
I prefer to think before I speak
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